‘I just don’t want him to FEEL bad’
Hands up if you ever ended up doing something you didn’t really want to do…
Just because you were worried that if you didn’t do it, the other person would feel terrible
Or even worse – they would start thinking things about themselves you would NEVER want them to think.
My hand is up while I’m writing this, because it was SO me; my whole life.
I would go on another date with a guy despite not wanting to…because I didn’t want him to think there was something wrong with him.
I would say yes to collaborating with someone I didn’t actually want to collaborate with, because I didn’t want them to think they weren’t good enough.
I would say yes, despite every part of me wanting to say no…because I didn’t want the person to think less of themselves.
I mean..sounds a bit nuts, doesn’t it.
People go through life meeting a ton of other individuals and here I am acting as if i was the one responsible for their own self-esteem.
And then one day things changed.
I learned we are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings, emotions and beliefs.
As much as we would sometimes like to be…we are only responsible for our own stuff.
And the same goes for every other person out there.
Every time I think the other person may think less of themselves because of what I say…well, how do I know this to be true?
Who am I to think they don’t already think they’re awesome and 10/10 confident?
What I do now – every time I want to say ‘no’, but something inside me wants me to say ‘yes’…I ask myself:
‘If I was to assume this person was 10/10 confident and felt good enough, what would I say to them now?’
And I go with that.
And don’t think I’m all of a sudden a heartless, self-centred human.
I am still my helpful, empathetic self.
I just feel so much…lighter.
Because it lets me stay true to myself and appear more authentic.
And all those people I say ‘no’ to – chances are a lot of them simply appreciate the fact they can quicker find someone better suited for them.
I said it before and I’ll say it a million more times – it’s not about events, it’s about the meaning we make out of them.
So if you say ‘no’ to someone and they CHOOSE TO think it’s because they aren’t good enough for you – their belief of not being good enough has been there all along.
And that’s not your fault.
That’s their own stuff to work through and sort out.
So next time you find yourself wanting to say ‘yes’ because of not wanting the other person to think less of themselves…
Consider asking yourself:
If I assumed they were 10/10 confident, what would I be saying to them?
And see what happens.
Perhaps it’s still going to be a yes, perhaps it’s going to make it easier for you to say no.
We are complex creatures – being responsible for our own feelings, emotions and beliefs really is enough as it is!
And if you struggle with the concept of it all or perhaps it kind of makes sense to you but it doesn’t…send me a note – I would love to pick it up with you x